Are the endtimes soon?

It has been a while since I have written anything. I have been anxious and paranoid and full of ennui and I really don’t know how I will get out of this present delirium dream. I have a new volunteer job a couple of times a week so I have been getting out and doing that. I have not read anything recently except a little of Outliers by a guy named Gladwell and the The Book of Revelations by John Walvoord.  I have been trying to intensively study something to get a grasp of some area of expertise but I am not sure there is much future for me studying Revelations because of where that is all heading macrocosmically as it were. I don’t think during the intensive work environment in the future third seal when you have to work all day to support your family just to put food on the table for that day I will be very strong a worker so they will probably just shoot me or something. Don’t want to give the government any ideas however. I don’t know if anyone has ever heard about the guillotines that are supposedly hidden all over America especially at these FEMA camps where Christians will supposedly be killed in the future. Some of the stuff I read on youtube I question some seems to have a grain of truth. Anyway, I should think of better things than this like what am I going to be doing in the future to improve the world’s lot. But the apparent proximity of Christ’s return causes me more doubts than hopes because I feel I am going to be left behind by the rapture and I don’t know how to put my mind around a world without Christians where the only people left are those serving themselves and the Devil. There are some who don’t see any hope after the rapture until Christ comes.

I guess I have not talked too much in the past about the endtimes at least in detail. This is how I understand it to play out. The rapture could happen at any time if you believe the conservative commentators and those who believe in a pre-tribulation rapture. The seventieth week of Daniel is sometimes called the seven year tribulation period. But actually the Bible does not give the time period a name.   These seven years whatever they are called are called in Daniel in the old testament “a week” so hence Daniel’s seventieth week because the first 69 weeks having to do with Messiah and Israel ended on Palm Sunday presumably when the palms were put before Jesus riding on the donkey entering Jerusalem. So there is a week that is not accounted for in the history so to speak and this final week will be at the end of time when a ruler from the people to come as it says in Daniel (who may or may not be the Romans or modern Europe) confirms a covenant with many and Israel. Jesus had said the generation that saw the rise of modern Israel- a miraculous rebirth of a nation whatever one thinks about the nation and I personally try to view them in a positive light-would see the beginning of these things.  People like Hal Lindsey said in The Late Great Planet Earth, the first of a number of popular books on the endtimes that he thought it would be in 40 years because somewhere in the Bible it says a generation is 40 years but like all datesetters he was wrong. According to Christ himself, even he does not know the time nor the angels in heaven only the Father.  We have been given a number of approximations throughout the Bible but no exact dates can be estimated because of subsequent interruptions in the calendar throughout the dark ages and such. We can only surmise approximately within the next score or so or more depending on the source. I realize I may be being as general as I am suggesting the dates can be. Suffice it that I have heard a number of sermons and read probably as many as 50 books on the subject so the number of examples adds up. Jesus did however say to watch and he repeated himself on that and so we can tell when things are about to come true.

According to a couple of preachers, there will eventually be a war between Israel and her surrounding nations which may or  may not be before the seven years and may or may not before the rapture.  This battle or war is not the Battle of Gog and Magog because that involves nations outside this inner ring of nations around Israel. The Battle of Gog and Magog is pictured in Ezekial 38 and 39 and maybe the beginning of Armageddon according to some or may actually happen before the seven years. This seven years I keep talking about apparently begins with Revelations 6 where a white horseman goes out conquering and to conquer. Some authorities believe that he is antichrist some believe he is Christ. Daniel says he enters in peaceably and the bow he has without an arrow possibly suggests that in 6:2 of Revelations he starts on a peace platform.

The rapture to clarify terms is a term meaning to catch up originating I believe with harpazo or to catch up in Greek I believe or possibly Latin. If you feel it is important look it up for yourself and I don’t mean to sound rude when I say that. Anyway, the rapture is where in I believe 1 Thessalonians 4 the believers are before the wrath of God is poured out taken up to the clouds where Christ is. Some think this will happen before the seven years happen perhaps several years before hand. Some think this is at the midpoint. Some think right as Jesus Christ comes at the end of this horrifying set of years that the saints will go to heaven only to come back down again on white horses with Jesus Christ.

The seven years are an unprecedented time of major upheaval. If there are saints and there are apparently some alive during that time who become Christian only to have their heads cut off which is why one should be prepared before the rapture so one hopefully can avoid these things. People talk a lot about global warming but God is about to destroy much of nature as well as man along with it because man is already destroying the earth when God judges mankind. I believe we should be good stewards and take care of the earth because at least initially God gave it to man which may have been usurped by Satan. I personally think people just want to make money on global warming truth or half-truth that it is.

If anyone disputes me please let me know what you believe concerning endtimes.

Are the endtimes soon?

Speed Reading?

I have about decided that speed reading at my normal 250 words per minute or whatever the average is which I believe my abilities are quite average is good enough for me. I have tried various techniques and found all of them quite tedious in one way or another. Perhaps photoreading yields the most interesting results but even that tires me rather easily. I tried another technique where you read the first and last paragraph of each chapter and go back and try to fill in the blanks through perusal but I just could not make that work. Perhaps with practice it would become easier but I just don’t see the use. Anyway, I think I am smarter with my 250 wpm speed than some people who can read at phenomenal rates. I am more of a browser anyway to use the former definition of the word. Why I must expect myself to be a genius which I will never be may be from youth. It does not really matter. I don’t need to be a genius. I need to accept my faculties as they are and see myself as God sees me however scary that may be for me at times because sometimes perhaps because of my low view of God I believe He is waiting in the wings to judge me. In the meantime, I am working on my view of God and if I can change anything about myself it should be morally. I should not try to be genius but righteous.

People I suppose don’t go to Hell through lack of IQ but because of foolishness. Jesus said not to call other’s fools he may have included calling myself a fool. I should not denigrate what God has established as his holy temple. I should properly evaluate myself with all reasonableness and even-temper. I should try to be perfect if I want to follow Christ’s way knowing I will only be perfect on resurrection day should I live to see it.

Should I not live to see it because of the sin in my life how will I be able to explain that to myself for all eternity? It is a very daunting question. I always end up coming back to the eternity question scaring off I am sure many readers but I cannot seem to get away from those types of questions. I believe Hell exists somewhere right now. Even if it is not a physical fire which I believe it is how will one feel without love? God is love. All that is good comes from God therefore absence of God means no goodness in Hell. This may seem very depressing but there is actually good news. God has provided a way out of Hell. Seek it out; cherish it once you find it. Never let go I would advise you. The Truth is out there.


Speed Reading?


I hope to hold out to you if you are a Christian a way of seeing what not to do. 20 years ago I began to drift away from God because of bitterness in my heart and perhaps it started 35 years ago to be honest. I would go over this poetry when I was in high school that I had been writing ostensibly to a girl I liked which was a lot of complaints and worshiping the creation rather than the Creator. Anyhow, I would rehearse in my mind a little poem which was Alone I stand in this land. Alone I stand forever (which obviously had little to do with the girl.) The Bible says not to let a bitter root grow up to defile many. I can think of at least two cousins I may have influenced around the age of 10 years old. I do not blame anybody but myself. I made the decisions I did.  I will have to live with my decisions perhaps eternally. My mother bless her heart tried to get me turned around but I was selfish and set in my evil heart.

If you are not Christian, I hold out to you an anodyne to soothe your pain.  Christ I was beginning to learn though I was double-minded “unstable in all my ways” was a balm of relief for myself and others but I was beginning to fall away from the principles past on to me. Those principles so long as I ever followed them never did me wrong but my heart was set on evil so I walked away from God. I now regret that having had a lot of time to think about it and a lot of suffering because of it. That only happened because of willful disobedience.

To my family I wish to say I am sorry. It makes me cry when I think about it. I am sorry that I have harmed you. I don’t expect you to love me anymore. I feel terrible. You may feel this is a sexual thing as though I might be homosexual; such is not the case. There have been people in my life who felt I was but that is not real to me.

No, what I am preparing for with all of my blogs about my apostasy is a religious departure. Though I will always tenaciously cling to Christ because I believe he is the way and the truth and the life, I feel I must look elsewhere tentatively because the Bible every time I look at it is telling me I am going to Hell no matter what I do. I hope this will not hurt anyone else’s faith which is why I am being so careful to explain that for every one else Christianity is the one true way. Perhaps indeed this is the falling away that precedes antichrist like in 1 Thessalonians.

I understand for those Christians who follow my blog if you wish to have your own departure from me I understand. I am not seeking followers among Christians in that the Bible says if you harm one of these children you will be as doomed as someone who was with a millstone tied around his neck and cast into the sea. Although you may say I already did that.

I guess what I am saying is that I am searching for something and I am now unable because of previous ways of living to be reconciled to God. Therefore if I do not quite go to other religions I must begin to think differently than what I did before.




How do I overcome limitations?

Very often my writing is selfish, meandering and one-dimensional especially due to the fact that my emotions largely dispersed in 1995. I don’t know if my limited readership will like what I think my purpose tentatively is but I think it is to draw a picture of depraved intellect and sickness in nondepraved terms which constitutes myself. You will lose your sanity, your morals and you will finally lose your life not just in this finite life but eternal life to be if you follow the same path I did. I do this with little talent but by simply exemplifying who I am without a lot of gratuitous detail. I have not always been honest in my life but I have been honest on this blog to a greater degree than most people would be willing to be. And so I try to let things seep through gradually insanity and madness around the edges. I am full of lust, hate and pride. I attempt to desperately and unsuccessfully overcome these limitations.

Who knows? Perhaps someday God will grant me repentance of heart if I try hard enough. But the reality is I have a hard heart.  So far as I know I have never actually disbelieved in God. But self-deception is prevalent in my life so that may be where my true deceit is.

How do I overcome limitations?

Tread Down The Wicked

I have been very proud of myself and arrogant without cause for many years. I have been puffed up in my knowledge of things scriptural, literary, cinematic, etc. but the truth is I have only a dusting of these and they are as dust. I have no reason to exalt myself  at all compared to others especially to my maker who gave me what little experience I  have of these things. Even now I feel puffed up at my writing skill which is as filthy rags. I am selfish. I use I way to much like the terrible writer I am. My time has been wasted in the past 20 years spent sleeping off my medications and my general irresponsibility. The Bible says he who does not work does not eat. Though I may have mental illness, I still should have tried more earnestly to get a job because I am sure if I had set my mind to it I could have worked despite the inevitable fears and paranoia. My mind is constantly filled with evil imaginations and the lust of naked women. I have been simple and void of understanding. Strange women have pulled me into the pit because I sought them out.

God before I harm another hair on anyone’s head I pray that your will would be done concerning me. If my destiny is only wickedness I ask that you would pore me out with all my wickedness that people would see how evil I really am and see the folly of their own ways within me and turn to you not because of something I accomplish but through your Holy Spirit. Humble me if you have to give me 50 lashes minus one. Take my possessions and my books of self-exalted knowledge and my movies which are pleasant to the eyes from me. Take all my materials from me and my health which I pride in physically and intellectually.

All I ask for is one mustard seed of faith. One splinter of your dear son’s cross to bear in my flesh to remind me of your wondrous salvation and how tragically and abominably I have parted from your holy ways. Your son is the only way to heaven. There is only one way, one truth, one life and that is you Jesus Christ.


Tread Down The Wicked

Seeking Something Positive

I sit here in what they used to call the indian style on my manifold colored quilt in reflection. I know I have probably been a cause of concern from the few followers I have for how negative I can sometimes be especially about myself and by reflection on the God I try to serve. Be positive I can hear Norman Vincent Peale admonishing me. I guess mine is the invitation to mourn with me a little about the loss of innocence and the lost relationship between God and us. I am just that febrific awareness that says his call will not be forever and yet who knows perhaps he shall grant repentance. Today if he calls do not harden your heart as they did in the wilderness says the Bible. I recognize with 2 Timothy how selfish I am and how much I have forsaken by sinful behavior.

So I cannot stew forever about how rotten my life has become. I am sure you can take only so much of that. What can a person who has rejected what was purported to be the one true way do to salvage his life? Those who reason from the Bible would say, nothing. Or if they don’t understand the Bible correctly they might say Jesus can forgive always and I can wait awhile for forgiveness. By the mid-90’s I was developing mental entropy. Apparently I had enough of my faculties about me to be able to reason concerning my faith and I slipped between the fingers of God’s hands.If authentic Christians say I do not love God perhaps they are right in that judgment however I highly respect God and his magnificent, glorious word. I recall God’s love from quite early. I remember thinking the clouds held a heaven that was a little out of my grasp.  I recall looking at the sun and fully believing that that is where the evil will go one day. I still believe that. Hell is very real. While Satan is devouring my loved ones in this life God is poised to strike the fatal blow in the next life to those who reject his son. Can I really judge the judgment of the ultimate Judge?

Can I question in the manner of Carl Jung the way God set up the garden of Eden seemingly knowing that mankind would err concerning God’s test the tree of knowledge of good and evil? He knew that Satan would murder mankind before he ever created him. Yet he still made him. Was not let us make man in our image the conspiracy of all time? I shudder that I almost sound like the Antichrist.

Christ was the propitiation for all that.

It goes to show that you need to stay as faithful and obedient to Christ as long as you live from first to last. If you fall does it mean you are lost? As long as you remain anguished over sin and do not stay in its clutches you will be okay. But if you flippantly repent and just say the words then God probably is not going to forgive you if you keep hardening your heart in this way.

So I am saying this because I don’t know what else to say.  What if there were a neutral force between the perfectibilists of Antichrist the coming DNA cult which shall lead to much hardheartedness, and the Judgment of God happening with the death everyday of thousands of fallen souls? What if some folks intervened before the battle of Armageddon and said it shall not be for a thousand years? The Battle of Armageddon must be because God says it will happen. What if prayers rose on the wing of heaven and assaulted the throne of God pleading with our maker in one great cry? Could we change the mind of God about the apparent nearness of the times? Moses changed His mind why not his other children?

And perhaps I am only talking folly.  It wouldn’t be the first time. You may or may not be able to understand that what I am after is something positive. Where do I find that bit of positivity in God’s judgment? Well, I guess it is true that what starts out evil benefits good but do I really want to affect people in that way by being evil or sinful? I could go over this endlessly gradually getting farther and farther away from the truth and perhaps I have in the 80 some blogs I have written.

I have a very low self-esteem not that I believe in such a concept to the extent that high self-esteem is more important. Thugs and gangsters and hit men have high self-esteems and rip society to shreds. I am sure I am said to have the same result by kind, thoughtful, genuinely loving people and they are not wrong to be in that position. I am the one who is off-base. If I thought I was fostering hatred toward Christianity or just any good folk I would feel even worse about myself.

I guess I have been trying to show a struggle I am having in considering the lot of those who are not rotten to the core but have feelings that they might have fallen away from God. You should if you read my blog at all get the clear notion of how there is a hazy dividing line between those who have not actually fallen and those who have fallen away for real having turned there back on God in full view of  the truth laid out for them and how their hearts have hardened over time perhaps to the point that they like Pharaoh are partially hardened forever eventually leading to full hardening of heart. I think there is a reason that the Bible says it is better to be hot or cold and not lukewarm. Those who are cold toward God in their youth can be saved later if they don’t pretend for the churches or their parents sake that they are good Christian people they are not. They may for awhile actually have the positive influence of Christ when they are young those who are lukewarm but gradually fall away after a time.

How did I fall away? Well, I was baptized when I was 11. By 13 I had begun to lust after girls and in 7 years I drove Christ away by my behavior and wicked thoughts. So I was 20 when I began to develop paranoid schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsion and anxiety. These are a doppelganger of my fallen state and early depression. Anyway, if you pray pray one for me. I will be praying for you as well.


Seeking Something Positive

Seeking Truth

What is the truth about life and God and eternity? Without a clear guide from the holy spirit and the holy bible in conjunction in the context to the degree possible relative to how long one has known and submitted to Christ, one cannot find reality from the eternal standpoint of God the creator. But we all have a reason to know God and his handiwork to a certain degree because of what we see in creation as referenced in Romans. I made that kind of confusing perhaps because I am sort of confused myself. Only an authentic Christian who is lead by the Holy Spirit and conscience as transformed in the renewing of the mind talked of in scripture can be lead adequately in all truth. I do not say I am not a Christian because if I did I might as well jump in a fire for all my life would be worth. (Please no one jump in a fire judging and dooming yourself eternally because I said that. God loves everyone and is not willing that any should perish not even an evil old brute like me. Who knows perhaps as 2 Timothy says God shall lead me to repentance. I am not saying I should not be rebuffed for my sinful life and false way I am just asking that you be clear in your judgments.)

I had a friend who said I was narrow-minded in my beliefs because I think there are not many gods or many faiths. She believes that I am judgmental because I think Muslims and Mormons and Catholics and other cults and occultic ways are not ways of salvation or at least paths to God whom she believes is the same god of all. Jesus said I am the way and the truth and the life and no one comes to the father except through me. Narrow is the path to eternal life according to the Bible. So the way (Jesus Christ) is narrow. Does that not make Christ narrow-minded in the sense that He is not going to let anyone into heaven just because they said Lord,Lord? That means anyone besides Christ, being the way, who claims they bring redemption through the coredemptrix Mary or through holy marriage in Mormonism or yes even the prophet this or that is a liar according to the Holy Bible.

My thoughts toward these other ways are probably not the attitude of an authentic Christian who love out of a pure heart snatching those out of the fire who they can. I am merely taking the authority of the Holy Bible which I believe to be very well-established according to men who died for the truth which you don’t find in other religions to the degree that you find in Judaism and Christianity. Anyone who will die for the truth is a very strong authority in my book. I am thinking of Paul and the apostles and the prophets and the martyrs of all time. They all died for Christ and his promises because they had a reasonable cause to believe them. I am not so sure Muslims who die for virgins murdering others can be put on the same footing as these men. In fact, I am pretty sure they should not be. But if you are a Muslim or a Catholic or a Mormon or a part of some religion which claims truth and my reasoning seems wrong please don’t kill me or curse me. Use reasoning to back your claims about your beliefs or thoughts or ways of reasoning. I want to believe I can be saved which I feel I have lost with Christianity because of my hard-heartedness and sinful resistance to God. So if there is a way of salvation though I have reason to believe there is none besides Christianity that is as well-attested and definitely as well-loved by me that has lucid, consistent authorities that are well-documented as being good, decent, pure men or women of upstanding lives and conscience who have provided as clear and purpose-driven and eternally profitable a way of salvation then communicate it to me. Or better yet, if you are an authentic Christian and you feel I have misjudged myself or not taken scripture in it’s proper context and you can clearly refute my thoughts on my salvation please help my evil, unbelieving heart.

If you feel you are lost and need encouragement you probably are not lost or you would not be seeking the truth. But if so and you have no evil intentions toward me like unhealthy sexual interest or retribution for slandering your religion supposedly or you think I have money (which I don’t) then try to leave a comment I can respond to somehow.

Seeking Truth