It has been a while since I have written anything. I have been anxious and paranoid and full of ennui and I really don’t know how I will get out of this present delirium dream. I have a new volunteer job a couple of times a week so I have been getting out and doing that. I have not read anything recently except a little of Outliers by a guy named Gladwell and the The Book of Revelations by John Walvoord. I have been trying to intensively study something to get a grasp of some area of expertise but I am not sure there is much future for me studying Revelations because of where that is all heading macrocosmically as it were. I don’t think during the intensive work environment in the future third seal when you have to work all day to support your family just to put food on the table for that day I will be very strong a worker so they will probably just shoot me or something. Don’t want to give the government any ideas however. I don’t know if anyone has ever heard about the guillotines that are supposedly hidden all over America especially at these FEMA camps where Christians will supposedly be killed in the future. Some of the stuff I read on youtube I question some seems to have a grain of truth. Anyway, I should think of better things than this like what am I going to be doing in the future to improve the world’s lot. But the apparent proximity of Christ’s return causes me more doubts than hopes because I feel I am going to be left behind by the rapture and I don’t know how to put my mind around a world without Christians where the only people left are those serving themselves and the Devil. There are some who don’t see any hope after the rapture until Christ comes.
I guess I have not talked too much in the past about the endtimes at least in detail. This is how I understand it to play out. The rapture could happen at any time if you believe the conservative commentators and those who believe in a pre-tribulation rapture. The seventieth week of Daniel is sometimes called the seven year tribulation period. But actually the Bible does not give the time period a name. These seven years whatever they are called are called in Daniel in the old testament “a week” so hence Daniel’s seventieth week because the first 69 weeks having to do with Messiah and Israel ended on Palm Sunday presumably when the palms were put before Jesus riding on the donkey entering Jerusalem. So there is a week that is not accounted for in the history so to speak and this final week will be at the end of time when a ruler from the people to come as it says in Daniel (who may or may not be the Romans or modern Europe) confirms a covenant with many and Israel. Jesus had said the generation that saw the rise of modern Israel- a miraculous rebirth of a nation whatever one thinks about the nation and I personally try to view them in a positive light-would see the beginning of these things. People like Hal Lindsey said in The Late Great Planet Earth, the first of a number of popular books on the endtimes that he thought it would be in 40 years because somewhere in the Bible it says a generation is 40 years but like all datesetters he was wrong. According to Christ himself, even he does not know the time nor the angels in heaven only the Father. We have been given a number of approximations throughout the Bible but no exact dates can be estimated because of subsequent interruptions in the calendar throughout the dark ages and such. We can only surmise approximately within the next score or so or more depending on the source. I realize I may be being as general as I am suggesting the dates can be. Suffice it that I have heard a number of sermons and read probably as many as 50 books on the subject so the number of examples adds up. Jesus did however say to watch and he repeated himself on that and so we can tell when things are about to come true.
According to a couple of preachers, there will eventually be a war between Israel and her surrounding nations which may or may not be before the seven years and may or may not before the rapture. This battle or war is not the Battle of Gog and Magog because that involves nations outside this inner ring of nations around Israel. The Battle of Gog and Magog is pictured in Ezekial 38 and 39 and maybe the beginning of Armageddon according to some or may actually happen before the seven years. This seven years I keep talking about apparently begins with Revelations 6 where a white horseman goes out conquering and to conquer. Some authorities believe that he is antichrist some believe he is Christ. Daniel says he enters in peaceably and the bow he has without an arrow possibly suggests that in 6:2 of Revelations he starts on a peace platform.
The rapture to clarify terms is a term meaning to catch up originating I believe with harpazo or to catch up in Greek I believe or possibly Latin. If you feel it is important look it up for yourself and I don’t mean to sound rude when I say that. Anyway, the rapture is where in I believe 1 Thessalonians 4 the believers are before the wrath of God is poured out taken up to the clouds where Christ is. Some think this will happen before the seven years happen perhaps several years before hand. Some think this is at the midpoint. Some think right as Jesus Christ comes at the end of this horrifying set of years that the saints will go to heaven only to come back down again on white horses with Jesus Christ.
The seven years are an unprecedented time of major upheaval. If there are saints and there are apparently some alive during that time who become Christian only to have their heads cut off which is why one should be prepared before the rapture so one hopefully can avoid these things. People talk a lot about global warming but God is about to destroy much of nature as well as man along with it because man is already destroying the earth when God judges mankind. I believe we should be good stewards and take care of the earth because at least initially God gave it to man which may have been usurped by Satan. I personally think people just want to make money on global warming truth or half-truth that it is.
If anyone disputes me please let me know what you believe concerning endtimes.
I have about decided that speed reading at my normal 250 words per minute or whatever the average is which I believe my abilities are quite average is good enough for me. I have tried various techniques and found all of them quite tedious in one way or another. Perhaps photoreading yields the most interesting results but even that tires me rather easily. I tried another technique where you read the first and last paragraph of each chapter and go back and try to fill in the blanks through perusal but I just could not make that work. Perhaps with practice it would become easier but I just don’t see the use. Anyway, I think I am smarter with my 250 wpm speed than some people who can read at phenomenal rates. I am more of a browser anyway to use the former definition of the word. Why I must expect myself to be a genius which I will never be may be from youth. It does not really matter. I don’t need to be a genius. I need to accept my faculties as they are and see myself as God sees me however scary that may be for me at times because sometimes perhaps because of my low view of God I believe He is waiting in the wings to judge me. In the meantime, I am working on my view of God and if I can change anything about myself it should be morally. I should not try to be genius but righteous.
People I suppose don’t go to Hell through lack of IQ but because of foolishness. Jesus said not to call other’s fools he may have included calling myself a fool. I should not denigrate what God has established as his holy temple. I should properly evaluate myself with all reasonableness and even-temper. I should try to be perfect if I want to follow Christ’s way knowing I will only be perfect on resurrection day should I live to see it.
Should I not live to see it because of the sin in my life how will I be able to explain that to myself for all eternity? It is a very daunting question. I always end up coming back to the eternity question scaring off I am sure many readers but I cannot seem to get away from those types of questions. I believe Hell exists somewhere right now. Even if it is not a physical fire which I believe it is how will one feel without love? God is love. All that is good comes from God therefore absence of God means no goodness in Hell. This may seem very depressing but there is actually good news. God has provided a way out of Hell. Seek it out; cherish it once you find it. Never let go I would advise you. The Truth is out there.
I hope to hold out to you if you are a Christian a way of seeing what not to do. 20 years ago I began to drift away from God because of bitterness in my heart and perhaps it started 35 years ago to be honest. I would go over this poetry when I was in high school that I had been writing ostensibly to a girl I liked which was a lot of complaints and worshiping the creation rather than the Creator. Anyhow, I would rehearse in my mind a little poem which was Alone I stand in this land. Alone I stand forever (which obviously had little to do with the girl.) The Bible says not to let a bitter root grow up to defile many. I can think of at least two cousins I may have influenced around the age of 10 years old. I do not blame anybody but myself. I made the decisions I did. I will have to live with my decisions perhaps eternally. My mother bless her heart tried to get me turned around but I was selfish and set in my evil heart.
If you are not Christian, I hold out to you an anodyne to soothe your pain. Christ I was beginning to learn though I was double-minded “unstable in all my ways” was a balm of relief for myself and others but I was beginning to fall away from the principles past on to me. Those principles so long as I ever followed them never did me wrong but my heart was set on evil so I walked away from God. I now regret that having had a lot of time to think about it and a lot of suffering because of it. That only happened because of willful disobedience.
To my family I wish to say I am sorry. It makes me cry when I think about it. I am sorry that I have harmed you. I don’t expect you to love me anymore. I feel terrible. You may feel this is a sexual thing as though I might be homosexual; such is not the case. There have been people in my life who felt I was but that is not real to me.
No, what I am preparing for with all of my blogs about my apostasy is a religious departure. Though I will always tenaciously cling to Christ because I believe he is the way and the truth and the life, I feel I must look elsewhere tentatively because the Bible every time I look at it is telling me I am going to Hell no matter what I do. I hope this will not hurt anyone else’s faith which is why I am being so careful to explain that for every one else Christianity is the one true way. Perhaps indeed this is the falling away that precedes antichrist like in 1 Thessalonians.
I understand for those Christians who follow my blog if you wish to have your own departure from me I understand. I am not seeking followers among Christians in that the Bible says if you harm one of these children you will be as doomed as someone who was with a millstone tied around his neck and cast into the sea. Although you may say I already did that.
I guess what I am saying is that I am searching for something and I am now unable because of previous ways of living to be reconciled to God. Therefore if I do not quite go to other religions I must begin to think differently than what I did before.
I sit here on my checkered couch as my refrigerator quietly moans it’s dim, dismal wail off to my left in my small kitchen. My burgundy chair is in the direct path leading into the kitchen thereby leaving little space to get in by and before me is my notebook covered coffee table with also a purple fan which I am thinking about turning on because I don’t like listening to the fridge and the crickets outside. I did turn it on now. My head is starting to ache because of my wisdom teeth being pulled in the last week or two. Two book cases are to my right with books stacked pell-mell. One of two chairs my father bought me is facing the black book case at an odd angle beside the water heater closet door. In a very small passage beyond the space between the recliner and my coffee table are my bathroom and bedroom doors. Behind and to the left of the couch I am on is the door to the outside world which consists of a parking lot around which perch the houses of my neighbors.
I live in a small town on one of her less traveled streets. Like many a town she has her problems and blessings. There are a number of fast food places and restaurants which cater to me and my fellow denizens. When I get sick of McDonalds I go to Braums or Sonic or Dairy Queen or Subway or Taco Bell or Pizza Hut or etc. I am sure some of you would find my choice of fast food illuminating as to how backward my town really is and how unhealthy my diet might be. Anyway, I love fast food. I don’t spend a lot of money on it but some. I had heard a rumor that McDonalds was going to start serving all you can eat fries which would for me be like a great thing. How that would work I do not know.
Since I am starting to get hungry here at 4 in the morning because of talking about food I may have to cook DiGiorno here in a bit. I had earlier turned the stove on for the pizza and completely forgot about the DioGiorno which fortunately had not been put in yet because I was just preheating. All night I smelled this burnt smell and I was like so stupidly thinking what the heck could be burning. I wandered around my apartment smelling first the fan motor and the microwave. My stove if I was to imagine it had its own personality would have been like “Right here!” My cat was probably thinking “um, the stove maybe.” Lol.
Anyway, today I went on one of the few dates I have ever been on. Perhaps actually the first one where I asked the person. It went fine. I should have been nervous but was not. Of course I had been to a local pizza place on non-dates several times with this dear person. We went to the park and walked around. We ate at a nice steak house in town. Life can be fun sometimes even for us mentally recovering people.
I had read in a transhuman manifesto of sorts by one author that life is full of pain and we must get rid of pain that is why we must alter DNA. No one of course loves extreme pain which can only lead to death I suppose eventually. But some pain gives us character. Christians for instance are admonished to endure the race until the end because tribulation and pressure are a part of the experience of one’s life. I think there is much to be taken from Christianity and Christians are the best people I know. I would call myself one myself if I thought I was a good example of a worshiper of Christ Jesus. I do not as usual claim to be a good Christian person because I feel I have fallen from grace. But I still learn Bible verses and pray and rejoice with the truth.
At the steak house we went to they were playing gospel hymns on a piano. I found myself singing songs I had not thought of in 20 years. I miss the presence of my God in my life. I wish I could somehow invite him back in.
Lola my cat is asleep peacefully beside me on my black and white throw. I wish I could sleep. I got my wisdom teeth out all four last Tuesday. Finally with a bit of luck I might be past the worst part. It is now just when I try to eat that I have pain mostly. I have lost several pounds in the week since and have slept fitfully. It really just reminds me how lucky and blessed I have been in this life to not experience a lot of pain. Others I know are not so fortunate. I guess I have spiritual and emotional pain at times which can be just as debilitating. The human body is remarkably resilient. That is one of the many blessings which even I a sinner receive from a loving, forebearing God who if I had been him would have dispatched with an old reprobate like me long ago. He may consider me his enemy like Esau but He has never shown any disdain for me. All of my spiritual wrongs come from me I believe. Paranoid schizophrenia may be the curse from God over my sin. I do not know.
I often feel that people are talking about me when I later through investigation find they are not at all but there is that 35 percent that do seem to be not paranoia but people actually talking about me though they just don’t admit it. I take life personally. I take my entire environment as a personal affront from demonic overlords and it gets me very anxious. So I have to breathe deep and focus on something external that is not dangerous like my cat. I kind of feel like the verse in the Bible about evil men’s prayers turning to sin is about me so my avenue to God feels shut off. It is amazing just how damaging sin can be.
No one should take as truth those who say truth is not knowable because then that truth would be unknown. I am not personally educated enough to know if relativity as discovered by Einstein is a basis for the relative nature of modern beliefs. I have heard there is a similarity. But for me I do not need to understand which I am too lazy not too unintelligent to do these relativity special and general to feel I can make an assessment about relativity as regards morals. Perhaps the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle which may not have to do with Einstein is relevant to the discussion of relative ethics being that truth would appear to change with the observer and his method of observing but I am honestly out of my element when it comes to science. However, I think that the truth of the Bible is straight-forward enough to knock relativity out without exhaustively exploring relativity’s origins.
The Bible has a very strong record after years and years of attacks of all sorts which have perhaps undermined some peoples’ beliefs but not the bedrock truth of the word as transmitted through 40 some authors over hundreds of years. Numerous scrolls and records have brought faithfully down to us the complete word of God with no errors of any consequence even as I believe no errors at all. A strong mind can adequately explain any supposed discrepancy in the Bible. Even those things which are difficult to explain are if one waits long enough in one’s life explainable eventually by some turn in archaeology or textual analysis of a brighter mind or when explained by the Holy Ghost. To anyone who believes in the Apocrypha I challenge anyone to compare these books to the other books in the Bible. I think you will find they contradict and are not substantive enough as truth to be joined with the rest of scripture. There are other books as well especially the Gospel of Thomas which is no gospel at all when compared to the sturdy backbone of the canonical gospels.
The truth is out there to quote the X-files. But will you find it? You will if you seek it with all your heart and all your mind and all your strength. Ask God to reveal the truth and prudently and soberly study the evidence of scripture.
I am talking to a variety of people some Christian, some nonreligious but I think possibly I can speak something positive to both. I know a few things about the Bible anyone who is familiar with that book will be able to see in my writings and am intimately tied to Christianity whether Christians like it or not and whether or not I am one or not. Perhaps indeed someday Jesus will say depart from me for I never knew you. I am unsure on all those counts. And there is too the concern that where the Spirit is not how can anyone profit spiritually. I am only too aware of all these considerations.
I must proceed from where I am. I have recently been given to think about the self-sacrificial quality of Christ and whether or not people pleasing should be our response to that example. The self-denying life I am referencing is that supposed nobility which says I have to be constantly trying to save my self-image by doing what pleases others. I am not attacking being a servant like Christ in all love and affection of brotherhood. I am saying that we tend to think we need to care about what other people think and I am not sure that is right. Yes, we should care about how they think about our example. If one is truly Christian one will naturally reflect Christ according to the Bible and will have one’s basis in him. If one is irreligious then you should probably take a harmonizing approach between martyr and absolute psychopath. We should not try to base ourselves on what others thoughts are because we can never control other’s thoughts nor can we always avoid criticism.
I think there is a difference between being an example of Christianity and being an example of one’s self-image which is linked to selfishness in the end. I am trying to break loose from my needs of self and yet be a good example in regard to my family and friends. As the Bible says think soberly. How is your identity as a do-gooder tied to being your real self? The heart is desperately wicked but we need to express ourselves with the law of conscience and the word guarding our expressions in all authenticity of self and in all congruence with who we really are as long as that does not violate those examples set for us by the laws of God.
In concluding, I wish to say that Christianity in it’s purest form is all about service but there is a point at which service becomes selfishness and that has nothing to do with God. There is kind of a fine dividing line. Are we pleasing others or are we pleasing God? We need to evaluate ourselves and reflect on the example of the Bible. I would even recommend this for the nonreligious. Try the Bible out. Mull it over. If you know a Christian ask for their help. Don’t fear the truth. Seek it out. It cannot hurt you. It may just be what your looking for.