It has been a while since I have written anything. I have been anxious and paranoid and full of ennui and I really don’t know how I will get out of this present delirium dream. I have a new volunteer job a couple of times a week so I have been getting out and doing that. I have not read anything recently except a little of Outliers by a guy named Gladwell and the The Book of Revelations by John Walvoord. I have been trying to intensively study something to get a grasp of some area of expertise but I am not sure there is much future for me studying Revelations because of where that is all heading macrocosmically as it were. I don’t think during the intensive work environment in the future third seal when you have to work all day to support your family just to put food on the table for that day I will be very strong a worker so they will probably just shoot me or something. Don’t want to give the government any ideas however. I don’t know if anyone has ever heard about the guillotines that are supposedly hidden all over America especially at these FEMA camps where Christians will supposedly be killed in the future. Some of the stuff I read on youtube I question some seems to have a grain of truth. Anyway, I should think of better things than this like what am I going to be doing in the future to improve the world’s lot. But the apparent proximity of Christ’s return causes me more doubts than hopes because I feel I am going to be left behind by the rapture and I don’t know how to put my mind around a world without Christians where the only people left are those serving themselves and the Devil. There are some who don’t see any hope after the rapture until Christ comes.
I guess I have not talked too much in the past about the endtimes at least in detail. This is how I understand it to play out. The rapture could happen at any time if you believe the conservative commentators and those who believe in a pre-tribulation rapture. The seventieth week of Daniel is sometimes called the seven year tribulation period. But actually the Bible does not give the time period a name. These seven years whatever they are called are called in Daniel in the old testament “a week” so hence Daniel’s seventieth week because the first 69 weeks having to do with Messiah and Israel ended on Palm Sunday presumably when the palms were put before Jesus riding on the donkey entering Jerusalem. So there is a week that is not accounted for in the history so to speak and this final week will be at the end of time when a ruler from the people to come as it says in Daniel (who may or may not be the Romans or modern Europe) confirms a covenant with many and Israel. Jesus had said the generation that saw the rise of modern Israel- a miraculous rebirth of a nation whatever one thinks about the nation and I personally try to view them in a positive light-would see the beginning of these things. People like Hal Lindsey said in The Late Great Planet Earth, the first of a number of popular books on the endtimes that he thought it would be in 40 years because somewhere in the Bible it says a generation is 40 years but like all datesetters he was wrong. According to Christ himself, even he does not know the time nor the angels in heaven only the Father. We have been given a number of approximations throughout the Bible but no exact dates can be estimated because of subsequent interruptions in the calendar throughout the dark ages and such. We can only surmise approximately within the next score or so or more depending on the source. I realize I may be being as general as I am suggesting the dates can be. Suffice it that I have heard a number of sermons and read probably as many as 50 books on the subject so the number of examples adds up. Jesus did however say to watch and he repeated himself on that and so we can tell when things are about to come true.
According to a couple of preachers, there will eventually be a war between Israel and her surrounding nations which may or may not be before the seven years and may or may not before the rapture. This battle or war is not the Battle of Gog and Magog because that involves nations outside this inner ring of nations around Israel. The Battle of Gog and Magog is pictured in Ezekial 38 and 39 and maybe the beginning of Armageddon according to some or may actually happen before the seven years. This seven years I keep talking about apparently begins with Revelations 6 where a white horseman goes out conquering and to conquer. Some authorities believe that he is antichrist some believe he is Christ. Daniel says he enters in peaceably and the bow he has without an arrow possibly suggests that in 6:2 of Revelations he starts on a peace platform.
The rapture to clarify terms is a term meaning to catch up originating I believe with harpazo or to catch up in Greek I believe or possibly Latin. If you feel it is important look it up for yourself and I don’t mean to sound rude when I say that. Anyway, the rapture is where in I believe 1 Thessalonians 4 the believers are before the wrath of God is poured out taken up to the clouds where Christ is. Some think this will happen before the seven years happen perhaps several years before hand. Some think this is at the midpoint. Some think right as Jesus Christ comes at the end of this horrifying set of years that the saints will go to heaven only to come back down again on white horses with Jesus Christ.
The seven years are an unprecedented time of major upheaval. If there are saints and there are apparently some alive during that time who become Christian only to have their heads cut off which is why one should be prepared before the rapture so one hopefully can avoid these things. People talk a lot about global warming but God is about to destroy much of nature as well as man along with it because man is already destroying the earth when God judges mankind. I believe we should be good stewards and take care of the earth because at least initially God gave it to man which may have been usurped by Satan. I personally think people just want to make money on global warming truth or half-truth that it is.
If anyone disputes me please let me know what you believe concerning endtimes.
I have about decided that speed reading at my normal 250 words per minute or whatever the average is which I believe my abilities are quite average is good enough for me. I have tried various techniques and found all of them quite tedious in one way or another. Perhaps photoreading yields the most interesting results but even that tires me rather easily. I tried another technique where you read the first and last paragraph of each chapter and go back and try to fill in the blanks through perusal but I just could not make that work. Perhaps with practice it would become easier but I just don’t see the use. Anyway, I think I am smarter with my 250 wpm speed than some people who can read at phenomenal rates. I am more of a browser anyway to use the former definition of the word. Why I must expect myself to be a genius which I will never be may be from youth. It does not really matter. I don’t need to be a genius. I need to accept my faculties as they are and see myself as God sees me however scary that may be for me at times because sometimes perhaps because of my low view of God I believe He is waiting in the wings to judge me. In the meantime, I am working on my view of God and if I can change anything about myself it should be morally. I should not try to be genius but righteous.
People I suppose don’t go to Hell through lack of IQ but because of foolishness. Jesus said not to call other’s fools he may have included calling myself a fool. I should not denigrate what God has established as his holy temple. I should properly evaluate myself with all reasonableness and even-temper. I should try to be perfect if I want to follow Christ’s way knowing I will only be perfect on resurrection day should I live to see it.
Should I not live to see it because of the sin in my life how will I be able to explain that to myself for all eternity? It is a very daunting question. I always end up coming back to the eternity question scaring off I am sure many readers but I cannot seem to get away from those types of questions. I believe Hell exists somewhere right now. Even if it is not a physical fire which I believe it is how will one feel without love? God is love. All that is good comes from God therefore absence of God means no goodness in Hell. This may seem very depressing but there is actually good news. God has provided a way out of Hell. Seek it out; cherish it once you find it. Never let go I would advise you. The Truth is out there.
I feel as if I am perched on the precipice of a final au revoir. I have felt that way every time I have seen something on the horizon like that huge beast that showed up on the Florida golf course. Is it an illusion or is it real? Will I be able to elude the monster or will I go up in flames? My fear of death is present and pertinent to me. I would like to get people to thinking about what they wish to do before they die. Not just rehash old fears. I need to think about what I will do before I pass on.
Dragons are prevalent in Babylon after its destruction. Is this sighting of this great alligator a sign of the times? It may or may not be. Satan is called an old dragon. Perhaps he is readying himself to make a stand. Christ will surely make short work of him. I am being only partially serious about this alligator being Satan but who knows. He surely is still in the heavens with his angels accusing our brethren.
I have a lot of fear in my life I guess I am saying. I know perfect love casts out fear. Even lazy people say there are lions in the streets and do not live to their full potential. I have steadily overcome some of my fears a bit at a time. Some obviously still are there in my mind.
As I have been thinking recently I need to accept things and let them go.
I hope to hold out to you if you are a Christian a way of seeing what not to do. 20 years ago I began to drift away from God because of bitterness in my heart and perhaps it started 35 years ago to be honest. I would go over this poetry when I was in high school that I had been writing ostensibly to a girl I liked which was a lot of complaints and worshiping the creation rather than the Creator. Anyhow, I would rehearse in my mind a little poem which was Alone I stand in this land. Alone I stand forever (which obviously had little to do with the girl.) The Bible says not to let a bitter root grow up to defile many. I can think of at least two cousins I may have influenced around the age of 10 years old. I do not blame anybody but myself. I made the decisions I did. I will have to live with my decisions perhaps eternally. My mother bless her heart tried to get me turned around but I was selfish and set in my evil heart.
If you are not Christian, I hold out to you an anodyne to soothe your pain. Christ I was beginning to learn though I was double-minded “unstable in all my ways” was a balm of relief for myself and others but I was beginning to fall away from the principles past on to me. Those principles so long as I ever followed them never did me wrong but my heart was set on evil so I walked away from God. I now regret that having had a lot of time to think about it and a lot of suffering because of it. That only happened because of willful disobedience.
To my family I wish to say I am sorry. It makes me cry when I think about it. I am sorry that I have harmed you. I don’t expect you to love me anymore. I feel terrible. You may feel this is a sexual thing as though I might be homosexual; such is not the case. There have been people in my life who felt I was but that is not real to me.
No, what I am preparing for with all of my blogs about my apostasy is a religious departure. Though I will always tenaciously cling to Christ because I believe he is the way and the truth and the life, I feel I must look elsewhere tentatively because the Bible every time I look at it is telling me I am going to Hell no matter what I do. I hope this will not hurt anyone else’s faith which is why I am being so careful to explain that for every one else Christianity is the one true way. Perhaps indeed this is the falling away that precedes antichrist like in 1 Thessalonians.
I understand for those Christians who follow my blog if you wish to have your own departure from me I understand. I am not seeking followers among Christians in that the Bible says if you harm one of these children you will be as doomed as someone who was with a millstone tied around his neck and cast into the sea. Although you may say I already did that.
I guess what I am saying is that I am searching for something and I am now unable because of previous ways of living to be reconciled to God. Therefore if I do not quite go to other religions I must begin to think differently than what I did before.
I sit here on my checkered couch as my refrigerator quietly moans it’s dim, dismal wail off to my left in my small kitchen. My burgundy chair is in the direct path leading into the kitchen thereby leaving little space to get in by and before me is my notebook covered coffee table with also a purple fan which I am thinking about turning on because I don’t like listening to the fridge and the crickets outside. I did turn it on now. My head is starting to ache because of my wisdom teeth being pulled in the last week or two. Two book cases are to my right with books stacked pell-mell. One of two chairs my father bought me is facing the black book case at an odd angle beside the water heater closet door. In a very small passage beyond the space between the recliner and my coffee table are my bathroom and bedroom doors. Behind and to the left of the couch I am on is the door to the outside world which consists of a parking lot around which perch the houses of my neighbors.
I live in a small town on one of her less traveled streets. Like many a town she has her problems and blessings. There are a number of fast food places and restaurants which cater to me and my fellow denizens. When I get sick of McDonalds I go to Braums or Sonic or Dairy Queen or Subway or Taco Bell or Pizza Hut or etc. I am sure some of you would find my choice of fast food illuminating as to how backward my town really is and how unhealthy my diet might be. Anyway, I love fast food. I don’t spend a lot of money on it but some. I had heard a rumor that McDonalds was going to start serving all you can eat fries which would for me be like a great thing. How that would work I do not know.
Since I am starting to get hungry here at 4 in the morning because of talking about food I may have to cook DiGiorno here in a bit. I had earlier turned the stove on for the pizza and completely forgot about the DioGiorno which fortunately had not been put in yet because I was just preheating. All night I smelled this burnt smell and I was like so stupidly thinking what the heck could be burning. I wandered around my apartment smelling first the fan motor and the microwave. My stove if I was to imagine it had its own personality would have been like “Right here!” My cat was probably thinking “um, the stove maybe.” Lol.
Anyway, today I went on one of the few dates I have ever been on. Perhaps actually the first one where I asked the person. It went fine. I should have been nervous but was not. Of course I had been to a local pizza place on non-dates several times with this dear person. We went to the park and walked around. We ate at a nice steak house in town. Life can be fun sometimes even for us mentally recovering people.
I had read in a transhuman manifesto of sorts by one author that life is full of pain and we must get rid of pain that is why we must alter DNA. No one of course loves extreme pain which can only lead to death I suppose eventually. But some pain gives us character. Christians for instance are admonished to endure the race until the end because tribulation and pressure are a part of the experience of one’s life. I think there is much to be taken from Christianity and Christians are the best people I know. I would call myself one myself if I thought I was a good example of a worshiper of Christ Jesus. I do not as usual claim to be a good Christian person because I feel I have fallen from grace. But I still learn Bible verses and pray and rejoice with the truth.
At the steak house we went to they were playing gospel hymns on a piano. I found myself singing songs I had not thought of in 20 years. I miss the presence of my God in my life. I wish I could somehow invite him back in.
In 1995, when I was beginning to sense the upcoming storm I saw Christ Jesus coming on the clouds of heaven in judgment for me. I do not believe this was a normal hallucination of course. I have never known for sure what to believe exactly about that event. He did not have any words for me. He seemed to be communicating my upcoming judgment event in heaven rather than guaranteeing a seat at his marriage supper. I have over the years sensed many spooky events and seen many things that others have not seen. I am sure part of that is my insanity which fools me into thinking things are real which are not. I have seen messengers of the heavens and presumably some messengers of Hell over the years. I would say this has happened about 10 times. But I guess I could just as easily say 5 or 30 because I am not really sure I am just guessing.
Up and beyond that I have sensed exponentially many more spiritual realities than just these “visions.” Perhaps I should call them nonrealities. Or extremely realistic seeming fantasies. I am no prophet and I try to limit what I say about the Bible.
One time I saw an angel of light hovering over a certain factory manager’s head at a place I used to work when some workers were trying to vote in the union. Whether this was a fantasy, a hallucination, an angel, a demon or some other apparition I don’t have the slightest clue. All I know it was very real to me. I usually take such visions for lack of a better word as having personal relevance to my life. At the time I did believe it was an angel protecting the manager because he was a good Christian man.
I saw two angels in the course of living for a six year period at Sandhearth. One of the angels was a very martial and warlike figure. A kind of puffpatch character in a way all puffed up and patched over. Very serious about guarding those people from me although I loved them too much to harm them. The second angel was an angel as tall as an elm tree in the front porch area of Sandhearth. I had been walking along the road at night when I saw it in the moonlight one warm, summer midnight around 2008.
Don’t believe in worshiping angels or anything. Just because I have seen them doesn’t make me an expert or even remotely interested in angelology or demonology. I have had some dealings with spiritual things that seemed to be emulating ghosts but they are not real to me as such being I believe demons are what they are. The ghosts are rather discouraging to be honest believing as I do their malevolent source.
In summary, I feel I have seen beings from another reality. A 4th dimension or as through a wormhole into another sector of time and space. Or who knows perhaps from heaven or the other place. They have not said anything to me or I would have told you. I also feel I saw Jesus. All these things seem very real as I said. They are probably not. But I thought someone might be interested in what I have to say.
The precipitate haste which with my life dances a kind of a death knell is something which should give me pause. I have been wasting away for far too long and I need to set some goals about my life to take over charge of my life and begin to have a purpose deeply set in my values and my beliefs if they can be said to exist which I believe they can. They just may not be what one would expect I suppose. I have a strong distaste for abortion and the homosexual ‘rights’ which as someone recently wisely said are not going to stop until America is in ashes. I have an infant family member and she is so-loved by our family. I feel for those babies that are being lost to this terrible institution of abortion and I don’t often feel a lot. I am selfish as well like those who believe in such things so I am not saying I am better than them in these areas. I do not hate homosexuals and I do not hate pro-choice people. However, I do hate the sin and love the sinner.
I am getting away from the gist of things. Suffice it that I hold that there are concrete laws which are set in stone sometimes literally. I have not always obeyed the law none of us can say he has totally obeyed the law but I do believe that Jesus Christ frees Christians from keeping the law to the letter except through the Spirit. We should try to keep the moral law as Christ distinguished it for us and the Spirit speaks abba father to our spirit. We are not free to sin of course but I am a poor theologian. What I mean to say is my values come from the remainder of what I recall from my childhood and recent readings in scripture concerning God’s eternal, tough-minded, tender-hearted ways which may eventually judge us all which I am sure will happen.
I need to build on my interests. I need to find that one thing and master it. For awhile I thought this was end-times or eschatology. But then I realized there were better men than me who had a more intellectual and spiritual grasp of the subject like Mike Hoggard and John Walvoord and I can think of a variety of others who have made this a niche for themselves from various perspectives. So what is going to be that one thing for me? What is going to be my niche? I have written 99 blogs and I still do not know.
And perhaps who knows it is like someone recently said about whispering that it has to do with familiar spirits and that just happens to be my blog name. Things are getting spooky now. wooo… But certainly if that is true I cannot expect any authentic Christians to follow my blog. If I have to believe that I am causing harm to people than I just may give up the blog.