What are the main characteristics of effective relaters according to books? They are goal-centered, adaptable, clear, appropriate, interesting and respectful among other qualities that are pleasing to those who would relate to them. So how does one begin to appropriate these? With practice. According to a rather old book called Help For Shy People, one should have a goal each time one speaks to someone. How this is to be implemented is an issue I have not figured out totally though there are suggestions in the book. I just have not read it in awhile and was not impressed with what it did have to say if I remember right.
You should according to some books know beforehand what you have to offer the other person. You should also know what you are seeking so you will know when you are satisfied. You should probably generate a number of possibilities before talking with who you are going to relate with, a number of options. I can hardly imagine having a goal every time I talk to someone however I can see how that would be positive in the long run.