I hope to hold out to you if you are a Christian a way of seeing what not to do. 20 years ago I began to drift away from God because of bitterness in my heart and perhaps it started 35 years ago to be honest. I would go over this poetry when I was in high school that I had been writing ostensibly to a girl I liked which was a lot of complaints and worshiping the creation rather than the Creator. Anyhow, I would rehearse in my mind a little poem which was Alone I stand in this land. Alone I stand forever (which obviously had little to do with the girl.) The Bible says not to let a bitter root grow up to defile many. I can think of at least two cousins I may have influenced around the age of 10 years old. I do not blame anybody but myself. I made the decisions I did.  I will have to live with my decisions perhaps eternally. My mother bless her heart tried to get me turned around but I was selfish and set in my evil heart.

If you are not Christian, I hold out to you an anodyne to soothe your pain.  Christ I was beginning to learn though I was double-minded “unstable in all my ways” was a balm of relief for myself and others but I was beginning to fall away from the principles past on to me. Those principles so long as I ever followed them never did me wrong but my heart was set on evil so I walked away from God. I now regret that having had a lot of time to think about it and a lot of suffering because of it. That only happened because of willful disobedience.

To my family I wish to say I am sorry. It makes me cry when I think about it. I am sorry that I have harmed you. I don’t expect you to love me anymore. I feel terrible. You may feel this is a sexual thing as though I might be homosexual; such is not the case. There have been people in my life who felt I was but that is not real to me.

No, what I am preparing for with all of my blogs about my apostasy is a religious departure. Though I will always tenaciously cling to Christ because I believe he is the way and the truth and the life, I feel I must look elsewhere tentatively because the Bible every time I look at it is telling me I am going to Hell no matter what I do. I hope this will not hurt anyone else’s faith which is why I am being so careful to explain that for every one else Christianity is the one true way. Perhaps indeed this is the falling away that precedes antichrist like in 1 Thessalonians.

I understand for those Christians who follow my blog if you wish to have your own departure from me I understand. I am not seeking followers among Christians in that the Bible says if you harm one of these children you will be as doomed as someone who was with a millstone tied around his neck and cast into the sea. Although you may say I already did that.

I guess what I am saying is that I am searching for something and I am now unable because of previous ways of living to be reconciled to God. Therefore if I do not quite go to other religions I must begin to think differently than what I did before.




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