Lola my cat is asleep peacefully beside me on my black and white throw. I wish I could sleep. I got my wisdom teeth out all four last Tuesday. Finally with a bit of luck I might be past the worst part. It is now just when I try to eat that I have pain mostly. I have lost several pounds in the week since and have slept fitfully. It really just reminds me how lucky and blessed I have been in this life to not experience a lot of pain. Others I know are not so fortunate. I guess I have spiritual and emotional pain at times which can be just as debilitating. The human body is remarkably resilient. That is one of the many blessings which even I a sinner receive from a loving, forebearing God who if I had been him would have dispatched with an old reprobate like me long ago. He may consider me his enemy like Esau but He has never shown any disdain for me. All of my spiritual wrongs come from me I believe. Paranoid schizophrenia may be the curse from God over my sin. I do not know.
I often feel that people are talking about me when I later through investigation find they are not at all but there is that 35 percent that do seem to be not paranoia but people actually talking about me though they just don’t admit it. I take life personally. I take my entire environment as a personal affront from demonic overlords and it gets me very anxious. So I have to breathe deep and focus on something external that is not dangerous like my cat. I kind of feel like the verse in the Bible about evil men’s prayers turning to sin is about me so my avenue to God feels shut off. It is amazing just how damaging sin can be.