I had a long talk with Beatific today my job person though she has been like what my Quadrant case manager should be like listening very carefully and caringly. She brought me around to the notion that I put a lot of pressure on myself with guilt and shame hounding  me down to the ground. My paranoia magnifies with each new negative thing that happens around me. This is strongly involved with my religion and my belief that spiritual realities are quite ubiquitous and involved in my everyday life. Of course I realize that I talk rather abstractly about my illness and it might seem to be a mechanical response. I cannot really help that that is just the way it is.

I have limited feelings about myself. So I over-intellectualize which is something all of us boys do in my family being our father’s sons. Anyway, I tend to be somewhat robotic in my analysis of myself I assume. Sometimes I feel I am a mutant not in the Brian Singer  style with supposedly gay subtext but the actual blood heterozygote mutation.

Life has been really stressful for the last twenty years and I am only now talking about my secrets with my Quadrant people most of which I have personalized and amplified beyond all recognition. I find that I have a lot to offer people in my life. It took turning 40 to reveal it I guess. Though I don’t perhaps have a lot to offer as a blogger I do feel I have some intelligence however misplaced and awkward.

A lot of this may seem rote and indeed some of it is what I have heard others say. So I kind of regurgitate what has been observed about me. Sorry that I am not too original.


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