Ebb and Flow

I have been off my medication for two weeks as far as anti-psychotic and psychotropic drugs are concerned because I feel that I will end up like someone I know who is always slobbering and has no control over his tongue. I happen to know we take the same stuff for psychosis. I am still receiving the shot. I have never felt these drugs had the slightest effect on me. But I do feel psychologically that there is kind of a knee-jerk reaction I have toward not taking medication. I think I feel that by not taking medication I feel kind of sick like the opposite of taking a placebo I suppose. So rather than like with a placebo one is feeling better  but the medicine is a sugar pill, I think I stop my medication and become symptomatic but not because of neurons in my brain but because I am affected by my own view of myself. I might seem to be being foolish but I don’t think so. Nothing has ever stopped the various voices and commands except the passage of youth into adulthood and the getting on of years. I have had to do some reality testing because of paranoia in recent weeks but I think that is the continual ebb and flow of my mind. I don’t believe I have actually had to go to the hospital since 2003-4 if I recall.

I have been particularly lucid and reasonable in the last few months despite a few recent lapses. I have kept up with my blog and gone to the clubhouse and the consumer run so I am not isolating like I was before. I would attribute these things to the outworking of my personality not the affect of mind-altering drugs. I am learning to accept myself as I am a tremendously flawed, weak but decent fellow.

I recall what my Dad once told me. You can’t stop a bird from flying over your head but you can stop it from building a nest in your hair. Sometimes birds arrive in flocks but ultimately they have no power over me. Yes, they can be a nuisance and occasionally they might make a mess on you but it does not happen often and it cannot really harm you if you don’t let it. ta ta

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Ebb and Flow

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