I sit here in what they used to call the indian style on my manifold colored quilt in reflection. I know I have probably been a cause of concern from the few followers I have for how negative I can sometimes be especially about myself and by reflection on the God I try to serve. Be positive I can hear Norman Vincent Peale admonishing me. I guess mine is the invitation to mourn with me a little about the loss of innocence and the lost relationship between God and us. I am just that febrific awareness that says his call will not be forever and yet who knows perhaps he shall grant repentance. Today if he calls do not harden your heart as they did in the wilderness says the Bible. I recognize with 2 Timothy how selfish I am and how much I have forsaken by sinful behavior.
So I cannot stew forever about how rotten my life has become. I am sure you can take only so much of that. What can a person who has rejected what was purported to be the one true way do to salvage his life? Those who reason from the Bible would say, nothing. Or if they don’t understand the Bible correctly they might say Jesus can forgive always and I can wait awhile for forgiveness. By the mid-90’s I was developing mental entropy. Apparently I had enough of my faculties about me to be able to reason concerning my faith and I slipped between the fingers of God’s hands.If authentic Christians say I do not love God perhaps they are right in that judgment however I highly respect God and his magnificent, glorious word. I recall God’s love from quite early. I remember thinking the clouds held a heaven that was a little out of my grasp. I recall looking at the sun and fully believing that that is where the evil will go one day. I still believe that. Hell is very real. While Satan is devouring my loved ones in this life God is poised to strike the fatal blow in the next life to those who reject his son. Can I really judge the judgment of the ultimate Judge?
Can I question in the manner of Carl Jung the way God set up the garden of Eden seemingly knowing that mankind would err concerning God’s test the tree of knowledge of good and evil? He knew that Satan would murder mankind before he ever created him. Yet he still made him. Was not let us make man in our image the conspiracy of all time? I shudder that I almost sound like the Antichrist.
Christ was the propitiation for all that.
It goes to show that you need to stay as faithful and obedient to Christ as long as you live from first to last. If you fall does it mean you are lost? As long as you remain anguished over sin and do not stay in its clutches you will be okay. But if you flippantly repent and just say the words then God probably is not going to forgive you if you keep hardening your heart in this way.
So I am saying this because I don’t know what else to say. What if there were a neutral force between the perfectibilists of Antichrist the coming DNA cult which shall lead to much hardheartedness, and the Judgment of God happening with the death everyday of thousands of fallen souls? What if some folks intervened before the battle of Armageddon and said it shall not be for a thousand years? The Battle of Armageddon must be because God says it will happen. What if prayers rose on the wing of heaven and assaulted the throne of God pleading with our maker in one great cry? Could we change the mind of God about the apparent nearness of the times? Moses changed His mind why not his other children?
And perhaps I am only talking folly. It wouldn’t be the first time. You may or may not be able to understand that what I am after is something positive. Where do I find that bit of positivity in God’s judgment? Well, I guess it is true that what starts out evil benefits good but do I really want to affect people in that way by being evil or sinful? I could go over this endlessly gradually getting farther and farther away from the truth and perhaps I have in the 80 some blogs I have written.
I have a very low self-esteem not that I believe in such a concept to the extent that high self-esteem is more important. Thugs and gangsters and hit men have high self-esteems and rip society to shreds. I am sure I am said to have the same result by kind, thoughtful, genuinely loving people and they are not wrong to be in that position. I am the one who is off-base. If I thought I was fostering hatred toward Christianity or just any good folk I would feel even worse about myself.
I guess I have been trying to show a struggle I am having in considering the lot of those who are not rotten to the core but have feelings that they might have fallen away from God. You should if you read my blog at all get the clear notion of how there is a hazy dividing line between those who have not actually fallen and those who have fallen away for real having turned there back on God in full view of the truth laid out for them and how their hearts have hardened over time perhaps to the point that they like Pharaoh are partially hardened forever eventually leading to full hardening of heart. I think there is a reason that the Bible says it is better to be hot or cold and not lukewarm. Those who are cold toward God in their youth can be saved later if they don’t pretend for the churches or their parents sake that they are good Christian people they are not. They may for awhile actually have the positive influence of Christ when they are young those who are lukewarm but gradually fall away after a time.
How did I fall away? Well, I was baptized when I was 11. By 13 I had begun to lust after girls and in 7 years I drove Christ away by my behavior and wicked thoughts. So I was 20 when I began to develop paranoid schizophrenia, obsessive-compulsion and anxiety. These are a doppelganger of my fallen state and early depression. Anyway, if you pray pray one for me. I will be praying for you as well.