The more I think of it the more I think I should burn out with all my might. Not in drunken revelry or in sexual passion but in exuberant pursuit of happiness which is probably not in the offering but still I think I want to try my best to be the best person I can be not because I think I can work my way to salvation which I cannot according to the Bible but because I want to please those I love with knowing and loving them and because I know that that is how I was raised to please God who I cannot possibly please at this point in my life. Some of you may wonder what could be better than sex and drugs and rock and roll. I think it is in finding something worthwhile to be ‘involved’ in that is intuitively and intellectually satisfying and legal both lawfully and biblically. One of my old classmates once posed a question to my youth minister as to what one would do if one were doomed no matter what. They both agreed if I remember right that they would probably do whatever they wanted to. Well, I feel I am doomed according to the paradigms put forth by the New and Old Testaments. Some have tried to drag me from the old rugged cross perhaps myself most of all. I still feel that the splinters in my hands are enough of the cross for me.
However, I will be even more honest than I have been before. You see I feel the call of a different religious principle which says that wisdom in loving through Christ ourselves and others leads to salvation. Through the love of one another we grow to love patiently and kindly and without envy. I will be even more frank and say I believe this is a form of gnosis or knowledge. I do not advocate any teaching by gnostics except the biblically-contradicted axiom knowledge of self, others and God leads to salvation. The Bible flatly contradicts this and I think you should not believe it. I am just saying I do. I am not looking for followers and my prayer is that no one who can be saved will believe such a thing. But if you have already lost your faith like I feel I have and you continually and ceaselessly are being rebuffed by a God who does not listen and naturally cannot hear your prayers perhaps you are being lead elsewhere in the pursuit of happiness. I must strongly advocate in the sternest possible words the degree of being lost one must be experiencing for one to begin to think this way. If all you feel from God is a sense of doom and you feel you have hardened your heart beyond what can be softened then maybe you should begin to think as I do. If every time you read the promises of the new covenant you deny the power of salvation then maybe you should think about being gnostic. I am sure I will be called heretic by people and I agree. I am sure they will say I serve another Christ and I think they are probably right. But honestly what can I do? I will probably until my heart hardens completely like the old testament character who listened to his wife and hardened his heart to stone and died 7 days later always have splinters in my hands. I will probably only have the guts to put this up a little while then will feel the splinters in my heart and hands and the thorns on my brow. If you can save me from myself Christ then save me. I don’t wish to serve evil. I don’t want to take the mark.
I was lead to feel this way about gnosticism without having read a thing about it. It was just where I was lead as I went along. I am sure people will say and I am sure rightfully that I am a sinner and an apostate but I have beat them to the punch by 20 years so. I have already said these things about myself so you are not original. You are not enlightening. You are in fact redundant. The Bible has already testified with great insight into my character. I worship the word above all things.
Am I saying gnosis will lead to happiness? No. I think that as long as one has a young heart to a degree and yes i am sure mine is old and ancient probably one can find a little bit of joy. There is the old story that Darwin when he grew old lost his love of Shakespeare which had so delighted him in earlier times one presumes. So I assume I will have the same fate. Maybe one can even tell that about me now that my heart is growing dim. What I want to say to you most of all is be a Christian if God still calls you. He will never let you down I can promise you that if you cling to him and don’t let go. And even if you let go you will remain his presumably. His way will always be the only true way.
I am sure I am not making friends by writing this blog. I will probably alienate those who I have not alienated before both friends and family. That is okay. None of you come and see me anyway. I always have to be the one to reach out for the most part. I may sound a trifle bitter but I am not really at least towards my family.