What’s in the Heart

I haven’t shaved in awhile and my face is getting itchy. The hair on my head hasn’t been cut in a number of months so I am growing shaggy. I look like the guys in the recent mountain man trapper bear attack movie preferably Leonardo DiCaprio except without the scars and bloody scabs of course. When I look this way I definitely don’t get the respect I do when I am clean shaven and better groomed. It is not a problem with being clean because I take a shower nearly everyday and wash my hair as much. I probably smell pretty good too because of body spray and deodorant.  But I guess there is just a stigma toward guys that look like they have been in the outback for a month or more.  I get enough of that with my diagnosis of mental illness and for my hazel staring eyes which when I look in the mirror always appear haunting to me which I guess feel like I peer with an intensive, cold gaze and thus don’t endear myself with others. Perhaps that is why I have few friends because I am cold seeming and appear unfriendly and disinterested. I know also that I have never known anyone very well. People don’t experience how learned and smart I am because I never have a chance to display it. Of course I am no genius and not gifted. I am above average at an IQ of 127 which was disappointing when I measured it on the internet earlier this year. But I have always been just smart enough to know I am not smart. Likewise I have always been wise enough to know how extremely foolish I am.

Someone has been talking to me about radical acceptance. Not judging people according to the way they look but accepting them as they are. Today I went to an office and I immediately judged the guy behind the desk because he was black. I think he sensed that and immediately judged me right back because I stumbled over a number I gave him. I am sure these type of office people get people falsely identifying themselves all the time. I am not a racist so far as I know but I do classify types of people sometimes which I shouldn’t. It wasn’t just because of skin color that I judged him you see there were other factors. I know I should judge people by their heart but unless you make the effort to get to know someone you can’t really do that except by the impression of attitude, clothing, hairstyles, verbal style, and because of how we are raised and the stuff we feed our minds and the friends and relatives we know all of which we apply to the person. I believe the Bible says as you judge so will you be judged. So maybe that is precisely what happened with this official. It should not matter what people look like to me or to him or to anyone.

Of course I live in Kansas where people are not usually openly jerks to each other. There are of course exceptions. But we do not usually hear of drive-by shootings or have tons of murders in town like supposedly some big cities do. I know in some towns if you don’t watch your rear you could be in for a beat-down or robbery or something worse. So I suppose it is wise to keep percipient in some towns but that may not be according to appearance except something said in the eyes. Maybe indeed that black official read something in my eyes he had seen before and thought I was not trustworthy. I am kind of shifty come to think of it like I kind of let on but not because of any guilt on my part or any intention to rob people or something worse.

So what indeed is the answer concerning judging people? We need to be careful don’t we. That is why our brain alerts us about people in the first place. Does anyone have any comments? Let me know.


What’s in the Heart

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