There could be a real problem in my life if I am seeing things correctly. You see my doctors have been trying to figure out what I was previously diagnosed with by a doctor who is deceased and he prescribed me at the time with blood thinners for some reason and they have since taken me off of that medication and I was given to think by the nurse at the time that I was victim of some terrible malady. Perhaps it is merely my paranoia. But apparently for now I have Lupus or scleroderma. I am not to saddened by that or bothered by that because I am not sure what has changed. If my schizophrenia and obsessive-compulsive disorder are a penumbral thorn in the spirit then lupus must be a thorn in the flesh.
I am weary of my mind at times and exhausted by the vestiges of my mental illness. I feel pain too. I am not soulless. I am as human as anyone out there. Some have taken me to be without struggle or thankfulness. All I can say to such people is God bless you. You have never stood in my shoes or walked where I walked. You don’t know me. I am sure you have a lot of experience you people out there. Perhaps like God you know my heart although I think He says He is the only one who can see its true nature. Anyway, sorry, a bit of paranoia has got to me.
Indeed, I do say vestiges of my mental illness. As time has passed, I have been tamed by my illness I think. I hear voices everyday but they aren’t bossy as they have been in the past. They have subdued my spirit or I have resisted them until they can only sing a tune. To be honest, I have never been able to accept that I have the brand name paranoid schizophrenia. Maybe, I am a fool mad in his folly as implied by some. I am the only one I can stomach calling myself a fool. Do any of you think Jesus meant one’s self when he said that about calling people fools and being under the judgment of God? I need to look that up before I just quote so flippantly. It is the word of God after all. I will try to do better in the future.
Both schizophrenia and carnal living have both taken a toll on me. I am burnt out by both causes. But it is especially in matters of the heart that I am most torn and compromised and undermined. Perhaps this other Christ is what I need to be combating. The one who sets himself up against Christ the Lord. I need to join forces with Jesus Christ him as savior and master.
So I am going to begin looking into who the real Jesus is. Will you go with me? I have known of him through parents, other church goers, and other true Christians. I like what I have seen in them and I want to return to the God of my youth. I have known this Jesus I believe. But I must first untie my mind from false impressions of the deity that have kept me at arm’s reach.