I know my problems are not always schizophrenic in nature. For instance, I have a major problem where I feel like following directions that are being leveled at me in my head. Like “take a left here”  or “beat him up” or “go crazy and hurt people.” Would I ever in my life do anything my mind told me if it violated my principles as far as lifting a finger against someone? I never would and I never have not even to defend myself. Yet it can be incredibly draining. A lot of the time I have to stay in my house just because I cannot be around people and have this chatter in my head. When I am this way I really don’t like to do anything my mind says even if it is normal. Like right now my mind is telling me to write but is it what I call the Devil telling me to write or just me being me. The only way I can find to measure it is by comparing myself to the ten commandments and being appropriate and using the standard of the Bible. One person told me this sounded like PTSD which I have no clue what that would mean as far as this behavior or why I would have it because I  have not gone through any event of a perilous nature except my schizophrenia. I had a great childhood although I was extremely lonely a lot of the time but I can’t say I was as lonely as Christ on the Cross when God rejected Him if that can be said of that situation which I think it can.

I also tend to be obsessive and possessive in relationships to be real honest which I am anyway. It has been quite an interference in my relationships to find myself pursuing through texts or emails some friend of mine who eventually must take measures to get me to stop. Of course this only happened once and in the past. I am most humbled by the situation and feel quite contrite. However, I am obsessive in other ways. I obsess about the Bible in ways that are unhealthy if that is possible. I don’t know why anyone would care about these thoughts of mine but I write them out here for your consideration. So ta.


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