I am alone this weekend. I communicated with a friend in the UK. I think I made a jackass out of myself and I am really down. Things were going so smoothly but I had to reveal my delusions which she seemed to interpret as some sort of attack. I am used to this though by now finding that people really don’t understand my religious personality. I am not even understood by religious folk so. I wish I could be accepted for who I am but that does not seem to be what God is offering to me. He did say we would have to put aside even our own loved ones if we are to be His. Maybe this is what he meant. By being predominately doctrinally sound we risk losing the respect of those we hold most dear. I say predominately because I know there are many flaws in how I do things. I mean I am more sinful than most. I judge myself more harshly than my enemies. Perhaps even more so than God does which is one deep flaw in my wayward personality. I feel so lost at times. I believe. But I know obedience is important too. I try.
Rain, rain, rain. What is becoming a common refrain. From a newscasters big old brain. Today I feel like destroying myself because under all the smiles and facade I am hurting and I know I need to take my own peptalks to other people and apply them to myself. But one thing I am not is a hypocrite in any of the conversation I had with Sela today. I am sorry honey you are so wrong. But don’t feel responsible, Sela, for my destructiveness because you are only in the process of knowing me and my ways. Hopefully you will realize how much power I give to you over myself and that you could deeply harm me. I will take responsibility for my own eternity and how I affect your eternity as well. That is why I could not be as open as I wanted to be because I know the Devil in all our lives or flesh or worldliness pull on us all. We strongly affect each other in ways we cannot see.