I have been a loner for many of the years of my life and I suppose a lot of that had to do with how blushingly shy I was around lovely women and how intimidated I was by supposedly macho men. My youth minister had it right when he said Jesus Christ really knew about loneliness on the cross. He suffered and died so I would never be lonely again. But I was intractable and rebellious toward God. I think that rebellion unfortunately rubbed off on my classmates in high school. I did not know it but I was leading them away from the promised land. I did not think of myself as a leader at the time but I was because even the most abject of followers lead in some way. We in a larger sense all influence each other. I needed to make a stand in my personal life against lust which I did for one year. I guess this blog is turning to a confession that lust is all lentil stew like Esau got from Jacob and afterward he could only cry tears of bitterness.
The loneliness did go away for a time in high school and I began to grow more confident. I carried a Bible with me to class and when people said “Jesus Christ!” I looked around and said “Where?!” I even once lead Bible study at FCA and spoke a silly sermon in church. But those things no longer exemplify me. I still pray for others and hope others will in turn pray for me. The tears of Esau and not of a David are what I cry I think. I always try to leave things open just in case. Tears are in my eyes now because I miss my God and long for a soothing of my self-loathing and the snake within that coils in my heart. That snake has struck out at people I love. It is me and at the same time does not reflect me or seemingly so.
Where is a little of that divine whispering?